Holy Moly! It’s kitsch for Christ!

Bake sales, barn-dancing, singing along to Songs of Praise, bellringing and wearing a Sunday hat are all synonymous with the modern view of Christianity, and to be honest, it’s a shame that after all of Jesus’s effort the representation of Christianity has become equivalent to a slice of quiche made by one of the old dears who always sits on the back row. But now it seems that Jesus is well and truly back (nope, it’s not the apocalypse yet) it’s kitsch for Christ. Hallelujah!

With a wide variety of God goodies on offer, there’s most certainly something for everyone, and it’s difficult not to be impressed with this stuff. It’s witty, ingenious, fabulously kitsch and so very practical. In fact, in the true spirit of loving your neighbour, Christian kitsch provides a holy remedy for every situation you might find yourself in, you just have to turn to Jesus. With recession depression on the horizon, perhaps now would be the best time to start saving up those precious pennies. Christian kitsch even caters for your financial needs with the Jesus design glitter money-box from Paperchase. With a blinging Jesus for encouragement, saving those pennies has never been so holy.

Thou shalt save

Thou shalt save

After a bit of a save up why not splash out on a lovely Jesus night-light of the world, the nights are drawing in after all, and it was God who said “Let there be light” remember. Or perhaps when you’re lonely on a Friday night, just frying up some mushrooms, let Jesus keep you company with the Jesus Pan – watch your back Tefel non-stick because this pan will definitely save you from burning. And if the twelve disciples were still around today you betcha they’d be tearing off their New Testament robes and those tea-towels on their heads (we’ve all worn them in some low-budget school nativity) for a stylish Jesus tee – just think of the publicity potential they’d have. The staple of the Christian kitsch wardrobe is the classic Jesus is my Homeboy shirt, but the fun doesn’t end there my friends, as I’m sure that even Richard Dawkins would be tempted by this Reeses rip-off “Sweet Saviour” shirt.

Who's your homeboy?

Who's your homeboy?

After all that shopping you’ll probably be completely exhausted so why not put your feet up and sink back into this Jesus chair? Yes, I agree it does look a little bit creepy and three-dimensionally distorted – well let’s face it, no one would look good as a chair – but the arms are so incredibly life-like and somehow Jesus does manage to pull it off. Though we are talking about the guy who can turn water into wine after all, he’s no average Joe. Maybe you could encourage the vicar of your local church to pimp those pews out with some shiny new rows of Jesus chairs? I’m certainly going to try. It might just work you know, as the Tubestation church in Cornwall has altered it’s altar by turning it into a functioning skate ramp during the week, for lots of holy hardflips and biblical boarding barley grinds. So there you have it, kitsch for Christ is so gnarly right now that there’s not a slice of quiche in sight. Praise the Lord; it must be divine intervention.
It's a bit like sitting on Jesus' knee

It's a bit like sitting on Jesus' knee

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